Laughter's the best tranquilizer

[melody]

Why laugh???? Because it's the best tranquilizer without any side effects and here are a few more good reasons...

Victor Hugo once said "Laughter is the sun that drives winter from our human face"....

A hearty laugh gives one a dry cleaning, while a good cry is a wet wash. ~Puzant Kevork Thomajan

Laughter is the corrective force which prevents us from becoming cranks. ~Henri Bergson

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. ~Victor Borge

And finally, for uncle.....A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.


Here is a thread I would like to invite us all to share your crankiest moments, a joke or anything that gives a good laugh...and the following joke will definitely make you laugh till you tear, with lots of love and compliments from Jintanmanis. Her good sense of humour and spontaneous laughter at just about anything have inspired me to open this thread for all who need a good, hearty laugh.

Here is a real gud classic break-up letter between a chicken and duck (figure of speech). Breaking up is hard and heartbreaking but this letter provides one of the best medicinal values...

Break-up letter

Tijah ingin memutuskan perhubungan dengan boyfriend MAT SALLEH nya....

Dia tak sanggup bertemu muka, Lalu dia pun mengutus surat... surat tu macam ni bunyinya:

Hi, my motive write this letter is to give know you something.

I WANT TO CUT CONNECTION US. I have think about this very cook cook.

I know i clap one hand only. Correctly, i have seen you and she together at town with eyes myself. you always ask for apology back back. I don't trust you again!!! You are really crocodile land.

My Friend speak you play wood three .. Now i know you correct correct play wood three. so,i break connection to pull my body from this love triangle. I know this result i pick is very correct, because you love she very high from me. so, i break off to go far from here. I don't want you to play play with my liver. I have been crying until no more eye water thinking about you.I don't want banana to fruit two times ....Safe walk .....

Tijah,

[Lilywhite]

HAHAHA!!!!:thumbup: :thumbup:

Mel Wendy, I am not only a loyal fan of Daniel but
also a loyal fan of Melody Wendy, ie YOU!!!:001_wub: :001_wub:

Give me a high FIVE!!!! Piak!!!!
Note: Please piak on the right place. wakakaka!!!:laugh: :laugh:

[chilicandy]

yes melody wendy !
u never fails to infect me with laughters whenever i am near you... :lol:

direct translation is always hilarious... just imagine this;

10 - 3 = 7
( direct translation; ten push three same with seven )

[jintanmanis]

hahahaha Melodyfair...this is just what I needed early in the morning......hahahahaha..this letter never fails to make me hold my tummy.... oooo my tummy aching liao

[melody]

For my hokkien speaking friends.
Uncle, this joke hor lu eh....:thumbup: :thumbup:

QUESTION: How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah,kwah;kwah,kwah".

QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
ANSWER: Hare hare hare (hokkien for prawns)

QUESTION: How does Hokkien fish cry?
ANSWER : Who Who Who (hokkien for fish)

QUESTION : What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy
Tales?
ANSWER: Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." and
Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka li kong..."

************************************************** *

Ah Lian called Ah Beng over the telephone.

Lian: "Beng, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all the
edges cannot fix together, leh."

Beng: "Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"

Lian: "The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one in talkingcock.com."

Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to hepchu, lah."

Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the
kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is. Ah Beng examines the puzzle
and says, "See you la, put back the cornflakes into the box, lah."

[christie]

hahaha Wendy! Love the cornflakes joke! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

[chilicandy]

wahahaha... cornflakes !!!! :lol:

[jintanmanis]

hahaha Wendy! Love the cornflakes joke! :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:


:laugh: Wah! another Ah Beng joke...I am definitely goin to stop by here first thing every morning for my dose of 'medicine' la.......laff the blues away if ever there are any..:laugh: :laugh: :thumbup:

[chilicandy]

jean, u wont have any blues... because u are just like wendy, always ever smiling and lots of laughing..... XD

[idolhunter]

OK..this joke alittle bit OT lah... but I laugh until my tears drip non stop..
this is not a joke but a real one..with some imagination....

First of all, let me describe about my parents first....as the joke revolves
around them...

My Dad is a very hot tempered and serious man...
My Mum is very very soft-spoken and very gentle woman..
so of course DAD is the king lah...

Ok the scene...
Me and my brother were in Thailand at the coffe house drinking...
and a lovely waitress came to us and seat down to chat abit...
Of the first thing we would ask is her name....
she said: "pat".. which means diamonds...
but we know in Thailand everyone uses nick names.. because thai names
are very very long...
So we just wanted to make the converstion more interesting...
so we ask her real name in Thai..
she gave her first name as: "LUM PAH".. something...something...
and both of us started giggling and laughing...
then I saw my brother,... couldn't control himself...he kept on laughing..
until I could see tears coming out...
we said sorry to the girl...its not about her name...
then I ask.. what so funny....
and he told me the whole story....
here goes..
He imagine that what if she was his bride to be...
and we brought her back to Malaysia to meet our parents...
OK... all seated nicely in the living room...
with my parents... then my mother ask:
so son... what's her name???
son looked at father.. then look at the girl then answered
mum softly:..... "LUM PAH".... *in hokkien it is "our Balls"
then mum being very soft mannered.. acknowledged: "Oh....ok"
my father being abit deaf did not get it....and is always his habit
to ask mum...
Dad ask mum:" WHAT'S HER NAME??"
and MUM said softly: "lumpah..."
dad asked again, face serious" : what?? ahh?"
MUM said again: "lumpah"..
Dad ask: say louder, U know I pekak..!!"
Mum got fed up "LU A LUM PAH LA !!!!" -- * your balls lah !!!*

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[melody]

OMG.....I laffed non stop from the beginning pun sudah boleh terbaca la...aiyo IH...is this the strategy u mentioned in the sb????

wakakaka :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

[chubbylin]

uncle IH, good joke!:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

especially the last line *LOL!*:lol: :lol:

laughter - definitely the best medicine!

[jintanmanis]

hahahahahahaaha....adui!.......aiyoo! lucu nya...:lol::lol:..yala..u know as we grow older our hearing also go:glare:...sometimes wan to romance abit and speak sofly also cannot...kekekeke:laugh:

[sarahg]

I extracted this one. None of it are my thoughts....:blush:

For Melody - who is so funny..

------------------------------------------------------

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[melody]

hahahahahahaaha....adui!.......aiyoo! lucu nya...:lol::lol:..yala..u know as we grow older our hearing also go:glare:...sometimes wan to romance abit and speak sofly also cannot...kekekeke:laugh:


some romance just need to be heated up jean :laugh: :laugh: :thumbup:

[agentpink]

the one sarahg posted up...the question all so stupid lar..kakakakakak....nice one.....

[melody]

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the
head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny
onit that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the
name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

She said "Your horse phoned"

[christie]

hahaha... nice one Wendy! :thumbup: :thumbup:

[christie]

ok, I've got one to share.... :001_smile:

John asks Derek,"Would you like a game of darts?"
"OK," saya Derek.
"Nearest to the bull starts?" says John.
"Baa," says Derek.
"Moo," says John
"Fair enough," says Derek. "You go first."

[agentpink]

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the
head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny
onit that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the
name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

She said "Your horse phoned"


ini lawak..ini lawak....:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[melody]

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

__________________________________________________ _______________


Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

__________________________________________________ _______________


Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

__________________________________________________ _______________


Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the
night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

__________________________________________________ _______________


Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

__________________________________________________ _______________


A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

__________________________________________________ _______________


Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire to?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

__________________________________________________ _______________


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

__________________________________________________ _______________


Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
sleeping with?
Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!

__________________________________________________ _______________


A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face
or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of
humour. Alamak!!!! Uncle No OT here ar :laugh: :laugh:

[christie]

"PARDON ME," said the young man.
I looked up from behind my desk at the library. "How do I get on the computer?"
"Just tell me your name and wait," I answered.
"OK, it's John," he said, "63 kilos."

[agentpink]

wahahahha...i got headache n shud sleep again...but dis is so funny...wakakkakakkka...aunty wendy n christie's...both oso funny...wakakakakaa..

[melody]

A Man and His Ostrich.....:laugh: :thumbup: :thumbup:

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich. "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$12.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have
the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and salad,"
says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
will be $32.48." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of
you pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something like that, but you'll always have as much money as you need for as long as you live."

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man proudly. The waitress asks,
"One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man looks a bit crestfallen, sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second
wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[sarahg]

There were four students taking Psychology. They did so well on all the essay, tests and lab, that each had a High Distinction average so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before their exam, they decided to go to Sydney and rage with some friends there. They had an enormous time. However, after all the hard partying they slept all day Sunday, and in the end, they didn't make it back to Melbourne until early Monday morning ... the morning of their final exam.

Rather than risk taking the final exam with a hangover, they decided to find their lecturer after the exam and devise a plausible explanation as to why they missed it. They told her that they had gone to Sydney for the weekend to do some psychology research at the renowned university archives
- with the plan to come back in time to study for the exam itself.

Unfortunately, they'd had a flat tyre on the way back and did not own a spare, such was their poverty. As a result, they'd stood around staring ruefully at the tyre until the road service arrived. The delay was so extended that they'd only this moment arrived back! The lecturer requested time to think this over, and eventually agreed that they could sit their final exam the following day. The four were elated, relieved, and a little amused at the gullibility of their lecturer. They studied hard that night
- all night, in fact - and went in the next day at the time the lecturer had indicated. She placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

The first short answer problem was assigned five marks. It was a simple question about the philosophy behind Humanism. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page: Question 2 (for 95
marks): Which tyre?

[chilicandy]

hahaha... that ostrich is funny and this 'tyre' is even more hilarious! smart lecturer... kakaka

[melody]

An overseas newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the
most romantic first line ... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I wonder if I can borrow these lines and send in for the competition!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :thumbup: :thumbup:



I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.


Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.


Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not


I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face


I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!


My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming


My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way


My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"


What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

[soursand]

Story ONE

Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigious "Lee & Lee Law Firm" company. During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said, "Well, I would need to discuss your application with
my wife.And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife. Lee KY's wife said, "C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!" So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.

Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......' when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my name. Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in urprise and asked, "What is your new name then?" On this,Santa Singh replied "Surname Lee, First name, Manga!' (Manga-Li) :thumbup:

So, Pinkies mau jadi Manga-Li? :laugh:


Story TWO

3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army's supply base to collect their underwear. Their sergeant was there to aid the supplies.

Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah?
Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sazen(sergeant)!
Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
Ah Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.
Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.
Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwear dah dei?
Tambhi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why do you need so many for?
Tambhi: January, February, March.....One month one.


Story THREE

The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.

To the British he said, "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.

Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal:
"Free life jackets for those who jumped."


Story FOUR

Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien meaning Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them that they only have English songs and asked them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were indignant and kicked
up a big fuss, claiming that the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally, after many hours of talking, the manager managed to find out that the Ah Bengs were actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.


Story FIVE

Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was, telling and bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. "This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!" "Ha!
"Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian. "Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!" So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"

So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post. "Alamak! What are u doing?!!! U Siao Char Bo! U see lah!!! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng. "Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"


Story SIX

One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey of a building and wanted to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and really had no idea what does the letter G mean. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, "Wow, how you know one?" The first Ah Lian reply smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."

:laugh: :laugh:

[agentpink]

wakakkakakakaka.....

jokes of ah beng n ah lian or the Johnny boy one very funny lar....
wakakakakkakkak...

GERO????

soursand..i dowan b manga-li....wakakakakakak..so funny...teary eye d...wakakkaakaa...

[idolhunter]

3 roommates stayed together in a condo...one day they went out to have dinner somewhere...
and when they came back home to the condo...the electricity went off.
and it seems the generator failed.. so the lifts were not working...
and they happen to live on the top floor 60 stories up..
so what to do?... use the stair-case...so they did...
and one of them said hey lets tell some jokes so that we wont feel so tired..
so off the went up the stair-case smiling and giggle all the way...
when they almost reached the top..one of them started to cry...
the other friends said" hey, are my jokes so sad? why u crying...
then he sat down on the steps.. crying louder...
come on tell us why?...and he said I left the room keys in the car...
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

[christie]

"You Sank the Titanic!"
A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees
Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks
for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people
bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank
the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."

The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[melody]

Samy Vellu was visiting India when he fell and broke his jaw. He was
unable to speak. Being the great leader that he is, he continued his
grand tour.

On the last week of his visit, the RTM crew was present for his press
conference. Although unable to speak, Samy insisted on sending a message
home to his Cabinet colleagues. Samy caught a chicken and showed it to
the camera. Next he took a goat, and showed it to the camera. Finally he
took a bag and displayed it in front of the camera

Dr. Ling was the first to see the video clip. He said, "Samy is
telling us that India has insufficient food because he showed us a
chicken and a goat, and he wants Malaysia to donate bags of rice.
"Mahathir watched silently then said, "No lah....what Samy is trying
to say is HE IS COMING BACK. The whole cabinet was puzzled and look to
the old man for an explanation. Mahathir reasoned, "AYAM KAMBING BAG."
("I am coming back" in Indian accent)

[soursand]

How to Treat a Rude Customer

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long lin! e of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal! , she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

"Serves him rite..hahahahaa...." :laugh:

[melody]

Physio was an intelligent boy. After doing a physiotherapy course
abroad for 3 years, he returned home and set up a clinic in his hometown.

He asked a designer to make a new name plate to be hung on the wall outside the clinic. The next morning, when he went to his clinic, he was pleased to find that the name plate was already put up. But he was greatly annoyed by the wordings on the plate: TUKANG URUT. He went to the designer and took him to task.

"How can you insult my profession? 'Tukang Urut' means masseur in Malay. I am a pysiotherapist and not a masseur! Make sure you change the name right now! And see that the word is spelt correctly!" Physio said angrily.

The designer apologized and promised to make the changes immediately. Without further delay, he proceeded to change the name but found that the word "physiotherapist' was too long. So he broke it up into three words to make it easier to read.

The next morning, Physio hit the roof when he saw the new name.
On the name plate were written: PHYSIO THE RAPIST

[agentpink]

warning..this is 18sx...keke..

a man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen
mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to
sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse,"he mumbles from behind the mask, "are
my testicles black?"

embarassed, the young nurse replies "i dont know
im only here to wash ur hands and feet."

he struggles again to ask, "Nurse are my testicles
black?"

finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her
other hand and takes a close look ,and says
" Theres nothing wrong with them! "

Finally the man pulls off his oxygen mask and
replies

"That was very nice but,
are...my...test...results...back?"

[agentpink]

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was
>>astonished to see the
>>bed was nicely made and everything was picked
up.
>>Then she saw an envelope propped up
prominently on the
>>center of the
>>bed. It was addressed, "Mom."
>>
>>With the worst premonition, she opened the
envelope
>>and read the
>>letter with trembling hands:
>>
>>Dear Mom,
>>It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
>>you. I had to
>>elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted
to avoid
>>a scene with Dad and you.
>>
>>I've been finding real passion with John and he
is so
>>nice-even with
>>all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his
motorcycle
>>clothes. But
>>it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and
John
>>said that we will
>>be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the
woods
>>and has a stack
>>of firewood for the whole winter.
>>
>>He wants to have many more children with me
and that's
>>now one of my
>>dreams too. John taught me that marijuana
doesn't
>>really hurt anyone
>>and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with
his
>>friends for
>>all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
>>
>>In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find
a
>>cure for AIDS so
>>John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
>>
>>Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I
know how
>>to take care of
>>myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit
so
>>you can get to
>>know your grandchildren.
>>
>>Your daughter,
>>Judith
>>
>>PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at
the
>>neighbor's house.
>>I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
>>things in life than
>>my report card that's in my desk's center drawer.
>>
>>I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come
home.
>>

[agentpink]

>A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds
>that there is a different hell for each country.
>
>He goes first to the German hell and
>asks, "What do they do here?"
>
>He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair
>for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for
>another hour. Then the German devil comes in
and
>whips you for the rest of the day."
>
>The man does not like the sound of that at
>all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell
>as well as the Russian hell and many more. He
>discovers that they are all more or less the same
>as the German hell.
>
>Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and
>finds that there is a very long line of people waiting
>to get in.
>
>Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"
>He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair
>for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for
>another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes in
>and whips you for the rest of the day."
>
>"But that is exactly the same as all the
>other hells ----why are there so many people
>waiting to get in?"
>
>"Because maintenance is so bad that the
>electric chair does not work, someone has stolen
>all the nails from the bed and the devil is a former
>government servant, so he comes in, sign the
>register and then goes to the canteen."

this is really lawak....wakakkaka

[agentpink]

A store that sells husbands has just
opened in
New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is
a
description of how the

store operates. You may visit the store
ONLY
ONCE.

There are six floors and the attributes of
the
men
increase as the

shopper ascends the flights. There is,
however,
a
catch . . .. you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or
you
may
choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down
except to
exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store
to find
a
husband . . . . .

On the first floor the sign on the door
reads:

Floor 1 **- These men have jobs and love
the
Lord.

The secondfloor sign reads:

Floor 2** - These men have jobs, love the
Lord,
and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3** - These men have jobs, love the
Lord,
love kids, and are

extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to
keep
going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign
reads:

Floor 4** - These men have jobs, love the
Lord,
love kids, are drop-

dead good looking and help with the
housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can
hardly
stand it!" Still, she

goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5** - These men have jobs, love the
Lord,
love kids, are drop-

dead gorgeous, help with the housework,
and
have a strong romantic
streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to
the
sixth floor and the

sign reads:

Floor 6** - You are visitor 4,363,012 to
this
floor.
There are no men

on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof
that
women are
impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband
Store.
Watch your step as you

exit the building, and have a nice day!

[agentpink]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits
and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What
does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are
these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give
you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy
is distilled wine, that means they take the water
out of th e fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------


Q: What are some of the advantages of
participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My
philosophy is: No Pain...Good !


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried
these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're
permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if
you want a bigger stomach.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another
vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain
whales to me.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

[agentpink]

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and
after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character
lines

[agentpink]

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART
ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a
ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest
couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate,
burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the
cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and
exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one
ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes
in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm
ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and
no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list
again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us,
the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we
need it but the sun gives us light only in the day
time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What
do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my
father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam :
"She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my
father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared,
past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating
a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you
say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my
recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records
show that nine out of ten people die of the disease
you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The
others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got
married on the same day and at the same time."

12)
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped
down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted
doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish
him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe
in is hand."

[chilicandy]

i dont know anyone post this in front or not..here's one i received on my mailbox..

New vocab from Oxford Dictionary (Singapore Edition)

1) LILY - adverb. extremely, really.
"Wah, you lily can sing well ah!"

2) VALLEY - adverb. extremely (same with lily).
"Look! My Versachee belt, valley nice hor?"

3) GORGES - adj. stunningly beautiful, normally found with valley.
"Wah! Ah Beng's girlflan is valley gorges leh!"

4) CORAL - verb. to bicker.
"Why, you not happy, ah? Want to coral, is it?"

5) REEF - (normally followed with coral) to argue with.
"You lily want to coral reef me ah?"

6) ALTITUDE - adjective. a disagreeable demeanour.
"Ah Lian lily got a bad altitude ploblem".

7) CIRRUS - adjective. certain.
"You cirrus or not? Dun bruff!"

8) CANOPY - phrase. impossible.
"He bought new handphone? Canopy lah! Where got money?"

9) OLDLADY - adjective. completed.
"Wah...you finish oldlady ah."

10) SUIT - verb. to project forward.
"Suit! Suit! See goalkeeper come out oldlady."

11) SOW - verb. to reveal.
"Sow me, sow me your new ting."

12) LOAD - noun. a path normally made up of gravel & tar.
"We go Orchard Load leh."

13) BLINK - verb. deliver, send.
"What you blink for me? Sow me, sow me."

[agentpink]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her
shower. The doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps
herself in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next door
neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll
give you £800 to drop
that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her
£800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes
back
upstairs. When she gets
to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was
that?"
"It was Bob, the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything
about the £800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may
be
in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson #2:

A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and
crossed
her legs, forcing
her habit apart to reveal a shapely leg. The priest
nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid
his
hand onto her
thigh. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm
129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears,
he
let his hand slide up
her thigh again. The nun once again said, "Father,
please remember Psalm
129!"
The priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh
is
weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On
his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It
said, "Go forth and
seek further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in
your
job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson #3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their
manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub
it
and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, "I normally grant three
wishes,
but as there are
three of you, I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want
to
be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to
be
in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless
supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life by my side."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The
manager says, "I want
those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the
first
say.

Corporate Lesson #4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A
rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?"
The crow answered:
"Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and
rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing
all
day, you must be
sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson #5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to
be
able to get to the
top of that tree" sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got
the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?"
replied
the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients.."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it
gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly
perched at the top of
the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the
turkey
out of the tree.

corporate lesson #6: Bullshit might get you to the
top,
but it won't keep you there

[soursand]

Muthu was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Muthu, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you hit one with your catapult, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Muthu, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Muthu then says, "I have a question for you, teacher. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I.....I guess..... the one sucking the cone ?"

"No teacher," said Muthu, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking too !"

:laugh:

[agentpink]

This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care
ward where patients always died in the same bed
and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of
their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought
that it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the
deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and
they decided to go down to the ward to investigate
the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday
morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors
and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to
see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
was all about. Some were holding wooden
crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to
ward off evil........

Just when the! clock struck 11...

and then......


then.....
















then........




Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper,
entered the ward and

Unplugged the life support system & plugged in
the vacuum
cleaner..............................

*swt*

[agentpink]

> >After a long night of making love, he notices a
photo of another man
> >on her night stand by the bed.
> >
> >He begins to worry.
> >
> >"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
> >
> >"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
> >
> >"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
> >
> >"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his
ear.
> >
> >"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,
hoping to be
> >reassured.
> >
> >"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
> >
> >"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
> >
> >"That's me before the
>surgery."


wakakkakkakakaa

[agentpink]

Message: Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to
Chu Beng's son, Aloysius...

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable?

PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable becaws, same like
when you dig your nose with your finger mah!

Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than
men?

PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig
your nose, your nose feel better than your finger,
right?

Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get
raped?

PCK : Ai-yah! Say, you walk along the load,den
someone come over and dig your nose, you like or
not? Ehhh? Don't pray pray ah...

Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when
she is having her menses?

PCK : Oy!! If your nose bleeding, you still go and
dig meh?? Siow ah!!blain, use your blainnn.....

Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing
condoms when they are making love?

PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like
to dig with a glove on your finger or not? Not the
same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?

Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private?

PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your
blainnnnn. you go and dig your nose in flont of
your whole class izit? Stupid lah!!

Aloy : Wah...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very
good.

PCK : Aiyah...... best in Singapore and JB,an
some say Batam also ah!!!

Pass it 2 ur fren.....& let them laugh out loud..

[melody]

Qualities of a Wife


Wishing Well

A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned immediately.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said :
" Gosh ! It really works! "

========================================

Plain Lazy

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said,
" Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English ---- what is wrong with me ? "

" Well, in plain English ", the doctor replied, " you're just lazy. "

" Okay, " said the man.
" Now give me the really complicated medical term
so that I can tell my wife. "

========================================

Wedding Anniversary

I asked my wife : " Where do you want to go on our anniversary ? "
She said : " Oh ! Somewhere I have never been before ! "
I told her : " How about the kitchen ? "

========================================

The Marriage is .

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.


========================================

Happiest Hour

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband,
" Do you remember when you proposed to me,
I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour? "
The hubby replied :
" Yes, honey, that was indeed the happiest hour of my married life. "


========================================

Holding Hands

We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops !

[agentpink]

>There were 4 Ah Bengs.
>They decided to start a business.
>They decided to start an auto garage.
>They bought the best of car servicing equipment
and manpower.
>The 4 Ah Bengs waited that day for the car to
arrive but no car entered their garage.
>They waited for 1 day, 2 days, a week but no car
came to their garage.
>WHY?
>Because their garage was on the second floor.
>.................................................. ......................
..
>
>After this failure they decided to try good old
taxi driving.
>They bought a new London Cab and began to look
for passengers.
>They drove past Orchard Road but nobody hailed
their taxi.
>They went to Changi Airport yet nobody hailed
their taxi.
>They even drove to Serangoon Road, even there
nobody hailed their taxi.
>In desperation they kept on driving all around
Singapore but alas no one hailed their taxi.
>WHY?
>Because all the four Ah Bengs were sitting in the
taxi.
>.................................................. ......................
..
>After the 4 Ah Bengs were very disappointed with
their fate and decided to push their taxi into
the sea.
>They started pushing their taxi.
>They pushed the whole day and were very
exhausted but the
>taxi did not move even an inch.
>They decided to rest for a while and started to
push again.
>The taxi just wouldn't move.
>WHY?
>Because 2 Ah Bengs were pushing from the front
and 2 from behind.

[idolfan]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of
her
students

The teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy.
waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test
and
if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave.
She agreed. Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
and
he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know.

The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy. can go to the
third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal,
"I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy. both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?


Boy., after a moment "Legs."


Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"


Boy.: "Pockets."


Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?


Boy.: Coconut


Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Boy was taking charge.


Boy.: Bubblegum


Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer...


Boy.: Shake hands


Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?


Boy.: Yep.


Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.


Boy.: Tent


Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit
tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.



Boy.: Wedding Ring


Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.


Boy.: Nose


Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.


Boy.: Arrow


Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means lot of heat and excitement?


Boy.: Firetruck


Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
& if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.


Boy.: Fork


Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than
on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after
they're married?


Boy.: SURNAME


Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?


Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this
Boy. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"


SO HOW MANY OF YOU GOT ALL THE TEN QUESTIONS WRONG .... HEHE:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[sarahg]

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and s aw the computer
screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached

Date: 16 May 2004


I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!


*Your loving Hubby*

[melody]

That's why it's important to understand each other well.............

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions :

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean...what are your relations like?

All my relation still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say :

POLISH REMOVER

[cuddlykitten]

There were four Buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.

One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k'ng (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).

The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady.

So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin nai ko....(Someone's not wearing panties...)"

The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)"

The third monk, playing a horn, replied: "Duuu... Duuu........(There! There!)"

Finally, the last and the most righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua... ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)"

[agentpink]

sarah and wendy's joke....lawakkkkkkkkk....

cuddly jie...cis..monk oso gatai..keke...nice jokes...kakakakak...

[chilicandy]

hahahaha ! cuddly's jokes is so funny !
though i only understand little hokkein, but with this jokes, no problem at all. :laugh:

[melody]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up
on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look
mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would
scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver - I've been driving a van carrying Dead Bodies for the last 25 years ......

[miloyalsupporter]

INTELLIGENT MONKEY

Once in America a plane crashed, only a monkey who was
travelling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the
monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language
and reply in actions. The officials went to see the
monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the
travellers doing?"
Monkey : "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Goodmorning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travellers
doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travellers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travellers
doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: " Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the
travellers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Kissing the pilots"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Responding"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering !!"

[christie]

One more to share...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife
offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor
their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with
emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[sarahg]

Do You Think English is Easy???

Read to the end . . a new twist to an oldie


Can you read these right the first time?





1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce.


3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a strange language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in

which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we

awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened

UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... it is time to shut UP.....!

Oh . . . one

more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

[jintanmanis]

wow so many nice things to read here....:001_cool:...How about some Ah Beng jokes?

[cuddlykitten]

Aunty Jean, this is for you... :001_wub: :001_wub:

Ah beng was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10

This is what he came up with

1 fine day I go 2 climb up a 3 bed-room apartment to peep. After being seen by the couple in the room, I got panic and had a great 4. The man rushed out and had a 5 with me. I run away to 6 for help. End up running into 7 eleven, I grab some 8 and throw at him and pull out a 9 to stab at him. And 10 hor ...10 hor... 10 .... he die lor..

.....and 10 hor .....10 hor .... I put the 9 back on the shelf and pay for 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day I 'kor' my boss to say I am 6. He say 5. Tomorrow also don need to come back 4 work. He also say go climb a 3 and jump. I don understand. I nice 2 him but I don know what he 1?

Letters to Ah Beng
Dear Ah Beng,

You know ah, all my friends say, my daughter go out with ang mor very good, very high class. Then next time I can visit America and stay in their big house. The problem is, the ang mor say ah, wedding the girl's family must pay for everything you know.

Like that very loo gee for me you know. I invest so much money in my daughter then wedding still got to pay. How like that? You think I should let her marry the ang mor or not?
Jin Kiam Siap

Dear Kiam Siap,

Don't worry about the wedding. You must think long term. In America, they have this very good thing called the divorce settlement. After your daughter marries him, half of what he owns belongs to her. So you will get half of his big house, his car, and everything else.

So if he wants you to pay for the wedding, say can. Then you and daughter just need to wait a few years, then she can divorce him and you can collect money already. Repeat as many times as you need until you get enough for your retirement.
Good Luck!
Ah Beng


Dear Ah Beng,

My husband is driving me mad! He always buys the most cheapo brands on the market, because he says people are conned into paying extra for the name. So he refuses to buy Lux soap, he must buy 'Smell OK' brand. Instead of Kraft cheese, he will buy Gu Neh-Neh brand. How?
Kiam Siap

Dear Kiam Siap,

Your husband is not entirely wrong, but it looks like he's going a bit far. You just have to show him that sometimes, you do get what you pay for. You ask me hor, the fastest way to make the point is to switch your current brand of toilet paper to 'Durian' brand($3 for 100 rolls). He won't dare to be stingy again!
Ah Beng

[cuddlykitten]

Hygienic

This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem. The vet says.
"I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the cows eyes will straighten out."

The vet - a 70-year-old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The cow's eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer - a young healthy man - and says,
"You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try?"
The farmer agrees.

He then takes the pipe out of the cow's ass, turns it around, and sticks it backs in. He then begins to blow.

"Holy smokes," says the vet. "What in the hell did you do that for?"

The farmer replies, "You don't think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had yours on." :scared: :scared: :scared:

[soursand]

I will CREDIT you my love,
If you will DEBIT me your love.

I'll record our romance in a JOURNAL,
And POST it to the LEDGER of my heart.

I'll keep an ACCOUNT of our love,
Based on DOUBLE-ENTRY.

This way you'll know the BALANCE c/d,
And the AMOUNT of love I have for you.

Our courtship is carried out on WORKSHEET.
ADJUSTING ENTRIES are necessary to make our love steady.

TRIAL BALANCE shows that we are meant for each other,
Because the TOTAL of our love is one and the same.

CLOSING ENTRIES are made when down the aisle we take.
PROFIT & LOSS statement tells what has happened.

Let's see our BALANCE SHEET,
What are our ASSETS & LIABILITIES?
Oh, my goodness! It shows a dozen kids!!!!!!!!!!!

[sarahg]

>>Every man should get married some time; after all happiness is not the
>>only thing in life!!
>>
>> --Anonymous
>>
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be
>>happier than others.
>>
>> --Oscar Wilde
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
>>
>> --Scottish Proverb
>>
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
>>
>> --Sam Kinison
>>
>>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Men have a better time than women; for one thing they marry later; for
>>another they die earlier.
>> --H. L. Mencken
>>
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
>>When a long married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
>>
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
>>
>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
>>thing: either the car is new or the wife.
>>
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I take my wife everywhere, but
she
>>keeps finding her way back to home always.
>>
>> --Anonymous
>>
>>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
>>
>>She said," Somewhere I have never been!"
>>
>>I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
>>
>> --Anonymous
>>
>>------------------------------------------------------------------
>>We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
>> --Anonymous
>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>> My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the
>> estimate.
>>
>> --Anonymous
>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>>She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

>>
>> --Anonymous
>>
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
>>Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
>>
>> --Anonymous
>>
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.
>>He says "the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs....."
>>
>> --Anonymous
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the
>>frontdoor, who do you let in first?
>>The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
>>
--Anonymous
>>
>>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and
>> started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another
>> man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
>> intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have
>> to die?"
>>The first man approached him and said, "Sir,Idon't wish to interfere with
>>your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've
>>ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
>>
>>The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's
>>first husband.
>>
>>--Anonymous
>>
>>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>> A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish
>> and threw in a coin .
>>The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell
>>into the well, and drowned.
>>
>>The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works ! "
>>

[agentpink]

Ghost Story #1 (WOOooooooo....*scary sound*)
> >>
> >>---
> >>When I was young, I lived in a deserted kampong deep in the
> >>jungle. Every night, my mother would ask me not to go home
> >>too late as there won't be any transportation after a
> >>certain time.
> >>One night, before going home, I ta pao a kueh teow soup for
> >>supper. I was late and I waited for the taxi/bus but there
> >>was none. I was getting worried as the night was getting
> >>darker and darker. So I tried to flag down private vehicles
> >>to take me home.
> >>There was no one stopping for me, till one motorcyclist took
> >>compensation on me and stopped to give me a lift. He was a
> >>man with a kind face. I accepted his offer and got onto his
> >>motorbike.
> >>On the way home, we would pass by a temple. At night, the
> >>temple would look eerily spooky with the dim lights from the
> >>candles.
> >>At first,
> >>the motorcyclist was warm and friendly. When the temple was
> >>approaching, the motorcyclist eyes grown bigger and bigger.
> >>His kind face turned to a face of anger. He was muttering
> >>something loud but was not audible to me. I was so scared
> >>that I closed my eyes in order not to see his angry face.
> >>Then, the motorcylist stopped in front of the temple and
> >>then yelled at me.
> >>"Your kueh teow soup is so hot!! It is burning my thigh! Can
> >>you please move it away???"
>
>
> >>Ghost Story #2
> >>---
> >>When I was young, I have two friends who were very close to
> >>each other. They played with each other everyday. It was
> >>like, if you see A, you would see B next to him. They were
> >>always together.
> >>A loved fried eggs. Whenever he went out for lunch or dinner
> >>, without fail, he would ask for fried egg on top of his
> >>noodles, fried rice, etc.
> >>One day, A involved in an accident and died.
> >>B was devastated. B went to the cemetery to pray everyday.
> >>He would go
> >>to the nearest restaurant and ta pao a box of fried rice
> >>with an egg on top to be offered to A when he went to pray
> >>to him.
> >>The next day, he opened the box and there was no egg inside!
> >>B was petrified. He thought, must be A who came and took the
> >>fried egg away.
> >>The same thing happened the next day and the day after that.
> >>B was confused. So, one day, he asked the chef to make the
> >>same fried rice with a fried egg again. Then, he went to the
> >>cemetery to offer it to A. Curious, he opened the box to
> >>check for the egg. He was angry to find that, there was no
> >>fried egg in the box after all.
> >>Feeling that he had been cheated, he went back to the
> >>restaurant and demanded to see the Chef. "Where is the fried
> >>egg?? I told you there must be a fried egg inside!! You have
> >>cheated me for a few days now! Gimme back my money!!"
> >>Then, the Chef got really angry and opened the box - the
> >>fried egg was inside the box.
> >>The
> >>Chef said, "Stupid! You open the box upside down. No wonder
> >>you cannot see the egg!!"
>
>
> >>Ghost Story #3
> >>---
> >>When I was young, I went to town to work with a group of
> >>friends during our summer holidays of two months. Being
> >>young and away from home for the first time, we drank and
> >>smoke like nobody's business.
> >>One night, we were pissed drunk and flagged the last bus
> >>down to go home.
> >>Being tired, we slept in the bus.
> >>It had been awhile that I fell asleep. I was awake by the
> >>chilly wind. I was shocked to find that there was no one in
> >>the bus, and I was the last passenger. I looked in front to
> >>check out for the driver. But the driver was no where in
> >>sight. Yet, the bus was moving.
> >>I panicked shitless. I rubbed my eyes to make sure that I
> >>was not dreaming. The night was dark and cold.
> >>I hysterically jumped out from the bus and tried to run as
> >>hard as I could to get away.
> >>Then I heard someone yelled at me from
> >>behind the bus.
> >>"Hey! Don't run away! Come over here and help to push the
> >>bus!" yelled the bus driver.
> >>I saw my other friends helping to push the bus, which broke
> >>down while I was asleep.
> >>
> >>THE END;
> >>Lesson to learn: Hehehe...ya. It is not scary at all But I
> >>hope it was a nice read

[agentpink]

Malaysians = Straightforward People = Simple
english-lah!

Who says our English is teruk.? Just see below -
Ours is simple,short,concise, straight-to-point,
effective etc........

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have
the sweater you want in your size, but if you give
me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.


RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone
page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you
please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wa llet away, this drink is
on me.
Malaysians:No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be
possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOME ONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I
understand where you're
coming from, but I really have to disagree with
what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR
VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower
your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS
YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at
me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament
at the moment.
Malaysians: Go to die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD
HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just
happened?
Malaysians: Wat happen?? Why like that??

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me
show you,
Malaysians: like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Malaysians:Celaka u

[hsienhui86]

This is a funny one i got from my friend's forum...:001_tongue: :001_tongue:

Title: Going to GF's house for dinner:innocent0002: :innocent0002:



A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to
the pharmacist,

"Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to
my girlfriend's place
for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and the
young man leaves.

He soon returns and says, "Give me another
condom because my
girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always
crosses her legs in a provocative
manner when she sees me and I think I might
strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom, and
as the boy is leaving
heturns back and says, "Go on, give me one more
condom because
my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when
she sees me she
always makes eyes, and since she invited me for
dinner, think she is expecting
me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his
girlfriend on his
left, the sister on his right and the mum facing
him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his
head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all
you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you
Lord for your
kindness."



Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying,
keeping his head
down.
The others look at each other surprised and his
girlfriend is even
more surprised than the others. She gets close
to the boy and says
in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."







The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a
pharmacist!":mad0218: :mad0218: :mad0218: :mad0218:





WAKAKAKA!!!:p :p :p

[agentpink]

>
>
>To all Employees:
>Effective from July 2006
>
>Dress Code
>1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
>we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
>doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
>2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
>that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
>3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
>therefore you do not need a pay raise.
>
>Sick Days
>We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If
>you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
>Holiday Days
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>Saturday & Sunday.
>
>Compassionate Leave
>This is no excuse for
>missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or
>co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
>subsequently leave one hour early.
>
>Toilet Use
>1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
>strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
>2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
>will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
>3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
>notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
>4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
>company's mental health
>policy.
>
>Lunch Break
>1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that
>they can look healthy.
>2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
>maintain their average figure.
>3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
>needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of
>choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
>Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
>irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
>contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
>
>The Management

[jwong]

For the last departmental picnic, management had decided that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.

I was fired for ordering the cups.


















http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e181/dfcbucket/deptlunch.jpg

[agentpink]

Best Medicine
Following are from other websites, magazines and jokes corner i read before.

Overheard in an English class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother"
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay & Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)"
The teacher fainted.

**************

Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.

The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!"

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But.. what happened to the other ear?"

"That stoopid dumbo called back!"

**************

Two Hokkien pengs, Ah Beng and Ah Seng, got promoted from privates to corporals.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Ah Beng says, "Eh, Seng ah, there's the NCO Club. Let's go inside and togo."

"But we all is plivate only, mah," protests Ah Seng.

"No, we all is copler now," says Ah Beng, pulling him inside.

Once inside the pub, Ah Beng says, "Okay, let's order some beer and togo!"

"But we all is plivate!" says Ah Seng.

"Piang eh, you cannot see, meh?" says Ah Beng, pointing to his stripes. "We all is copler now!"

After leaving the NCO club, Ah Beng and Ah Seng go to Geylang.

There, Ah Beng whistles at a hooker, but the hooker says, "Sorry, hor. Tonight cannot because I got gonorrhea."

Ah Beng pulls Ah Seng to the side and say, "Eh, you go and check the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. It it's okay, give me the okay sign."

Ah Seng goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Ah Beng a big thumbs-up.

Three weeks later, Ah Beng is in the hospital with a severe case of gonorrhea.

"Ni na beh," he scolds Ah Seng. "Why you tell me it's okay?"

"Not my fault!" says Ah Seng. "In the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects the privates."

Then he points to his stripes: "But we is copler now, mah!"

**************

Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, his mind screamed, "Not this man!!"

Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, "If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!"

"The words are "Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black".

Ah Beng thought for a while and said "I heard the phone go green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Don't purplely disturb people and don't call Black, ok?"

Ah Beng got the job.

**************

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.

The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.

Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!"

The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"

************

Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know how happy a man could be if he was given one wish.
He paid 3 people to test out his experiment:

The rules were:
1. Each person could only have 1 wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30 years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.

The first contestant, Billy Klinton (USA) asked for the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefolds: " So I can make the most beautiful babies in the world."

The second contestant, Jon Mayjor (UK) said, "I want 30 years' supply of booze."

The last contestant ,Ah Beng (Singapore) said," I want 30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I can smoke until I song-song"

30 years later, the 3 contestants came back for a press conference.

Billy had with him 200 chidren and 30 estranged women. He remarked, " It has been a long sexual experience for me and I was wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the mother for free !"

Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer, was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter these words. " God save the Beer ! The Queen can drink sea water. "

The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring lighter!)

***********

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

******************

One day, Lee and M were drinking tea at a coffee shop when Dr. M asked Lee, “ Eh, Ah Lee ah, There’s one question that’s been bugging me for a long time now, I hope you can answer me – How come all this while, your plans for Singapore always run so smoothly?”

With that Lee grinned widely and replied, “ You know why or not, M? Because I have many smart ministers working for me. You don’t believe I show you.”

Lee then turned back and waved to one of the guys on the opposite table, “ Eh, Tony come over here!”

In a flash Tony came over. Lee asked, “ Tony, I ask you, who’s your father’s son?” In a split second, almost barely without thinking, Tony Tan answered, “ Sir, it's me.”

And with that reply,Lee turned back to M grinning even more widely and said, “See?” M just stroked his chin and nodded thoughtfully.

After they parted, this issue continued to weigh heavily on M's mind. He was thinking, “ Shit, I can’t lose out to Ah Lee! I must test my men too.”

The next day, he summoned his (then) right-hand man, A to his office. M asked him seriously, “Yes, answer me this question, who is your father’s son?”

A was taken aback by the question, and for a minute or so, he just stood there with sweat rolling down his forehead. He did not know the answer.

After what seemed like an eternity to him, A finally offered the standard political answer, “ Boss, this is a complex question which requires me to conduct a research study and draw out a preliminary paper. I need 3 days to give you an answer, is it ok with you?”

M agreed, thinking that as long as he could give the correct answer, 3 days should be acceptable.

A rushed back home and called all his kakis but no one could give him an answer. Finally, he called Bill , “Bill, I am in deep shit. You have to help me, man! Who is my father’s son?”

Bill, who at that point in time was busy with another intern in his special windowless office in the White House discussing “politics”, was impatient and frustrated. He replied, “A, I am busy f**king now, errr, no no…I mean I am f**king busy now, call me later.”

But A persisted and didn’t want to hang up till he got the answer. “Who’s my father’s son? Bill, please tell me!”

Finally out of frustration, Bill replied, “ It's me, lah!”, and slammed down the phone.

A now grinningly went back to see Dr. M. “ Boss, after 2 sleepless night of endless research and proposal writing, I have finally come up with the answer to your thought-provoking question. The answer to the question ' who is my father’s son' is Bill . Bill is my father’s son.”

With that, M let out a deep sigh and shook his head with much disappointment and replied, “ That’s why we are always one step behind Singapore! A, you are not smart enough – the correct answer is Tony!”




hope the last joke wont get us into trouble..

quote from AGG's blog

[melody]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/Dalmatian.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/chickenegg.jpg

[christie]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/Dalmatian.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/chickenegg.jpg


The first one can happen la.... but the second one??... a hen and an elephant?? how ar???..:lol: :lol: :lol:

[melody]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/Wishingwell.jpg

[ForeverDaniel]

Remember when electric price is up?

Change our lifestyle or suffer for it. ???br> ?????????????????????????????????????
Therefore better change the .............

>
> Let's to do some calculations here. In Malaysia the average family income
> is RM3,000 (Father works, mother doesn't). I understand there are a lot of
> families whose income don't reach RM3,000, but to make things simple,
> lets take RM3,000 as the figure.
>
> Okay, let's start rolling with a family which has Papa, Mama, 1 daughter
> and 1 son. ngam ngam....
>
> Calculation starts.....
>
> Electricity and water bilsl RM100 (no air-cond, no home theatre, no water
> heater ok?)
>
> Telekom and Handphone bills RM100 (cannot make a lot of calls one you know?
> NO Streamyx also)
>
> Meal for the whole happy family, RM775 (3 meals on RM25/day, RM25 for 4
> persons????)
>
> Papa makan/teh tarik during working hours RM155 (RM5/day, RM5 can eat
> what?)
>
> Car repayment RM400 (a Proton Saga Aeroback, 7 years' repayment)
>
> Petrol RM300 (Living in City with traffic jam). Go to work, bring son to school, only
> can afford one car running.
>
> Insurance RM650, (kids, wife and myself).
>
> House repayment RM750 (Low cost housing repayment for 30 years, retired
> still have to work to pay house!)
>
> Tuition RM80 (got that cheap meh?? No lah, I don't think so)
>
> Older children pocket money @ school RM20 (RM1/day, eat bread ke ..??)
>
> School fees RM30 (enough huh??)
>
> School books and etc etc. RM100 (always got extra to pay in school ... ??)
>
> Baby/younger children milk powder RM50 (cannot have the DHA, BHA, PHA one,
> expensive lah !!)
>
> Miscellaneous RM100 (shampoo, rice, sauce, toilet paper & etc.)
> oh wait!!! I have to stop here, so... No Astro, no movie @ cinema, no DVD,
> no CD, no online, cannot go for KFC, cannot eat Mc Donald, cannot go Park walking during
> weekend (petrol expensive), no chit chat on phone with grandparents and 爀tc...
>
> Let's use a calculator to total up... WALAO EI.. Shit! RM3,610 already..
> EPF belum potong, Income Tax lagi, ........ oledi --- RM610... How to
> survive laa. Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan sekalian??? Our Deputy Prime Minister
> ask us to change lifestyle? How to change? Don't eat? Don't work? Don't
> send children to school and study? Besides that, I believe in Malaysia
> population, there are millions of Rakyat Malaysia which still don't earn
> RM3,000/month!!!
>
> What is this? Ini lah Malaysia Boleh.. Sorry.. it should be Malaysians
> Boleh, because we're still alive and kicking!!
>
> Our politicians must be mad!!!!!!
>
> p/s - Hari ni 25/5/2006, eletrik naik 12%, kalau dulu belanja RM100
> sebulan sekarang dah RM112 sebulan. Kerajaan Barang Naik memang bagus... Najib
> kata rakyat Malaysia perlu ubah cara hidup... aku kata ubah kerajaan !!!

[ForeverDaniel]

Message: It has been scientifically proven that if
we drink one
litre of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than one kilo of
Escherichia Coli Bacteria (often called E.Coli)
found in water that contains faeces. In other words,
we are consuming one kilo of sh*t per annum.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking
rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors
because alcohol has to go through a distillation
process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people
who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has
been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and
bad for you.

THEREFORE...

It is better to drink alcohol and talk sh*t than to
drink water and be full of sh*t!!!

Have a pleasant day.

Cheers!!

[melody]

Ah Lian called Ah Beng over the telephone.
Lian: "Beng, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all the
edges cannot fix together, leh."
Beng: "Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"
Lian: "The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one in talkingcock.com."
Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to hepchu, lah."
Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the
kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is.
Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, "Haiyo, put back the corn
flakes into the box, lah."

************************************************** *******

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.
He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?" Mr. Lim
replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!" The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..." At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!"

************************************************** ********

QUESTION: How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah,kwah;kwah,kwah".

QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
ANSWER: Hare hare hare (hokkien for prawns)

QUESTION: How does Hokkien fish cry?
ANSWER : Who Who Who (hokkien for fish)

QUESTION : What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy
Tales?
ANSWER: Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." and
Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka li kong..."

[melody]

ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS. THIS RANKS WITH OUR MALAYSIAN "GOOT AHTENOON. CAN AI HEPT YOO?"

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand
what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has
been nominated for the best email of 2005. The following is a
telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service,at a hotel
in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:



Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn
toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,
an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder
on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

[melody]

Dear Ah Lian

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything?
For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look?
Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week,
he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After
that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari.
My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you
must come with your hole family.

I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me.
Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And
when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....

Worm regard,
Ah Beng

[melody]

Divorce : Future tense of marriage

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich

Father : A banker provided by nature

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

[melody]

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner,
although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the
uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts
and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese
Laundry."

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take
back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese
gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you
explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?'

The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"
"It me," replies the old man.
"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe
Plotnik?"

"Is simple", said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to this
country. I standing in line at Documentation Center of Immigration.
Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at
him and say, "What your name?"

He say, "Moishe Plotnik."

Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"

I say, "Sem Ting." :mad0218: :D

[melody]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
That the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
Other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
He would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight..
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
And he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
See why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
The bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for this kind of contest.

God may have created man before woman,
But there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[xian]

dis thread is so cold laa~

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :D

[mahsusan]

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[melody]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/secret_longevity.jpg

Kesimpulannya: BAN SMOKING :yes:

[superaunty]

WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life
You can stay single and be miserable or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive
him, and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

[idolhunter]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/secret_longevity.jpg

Kesimpulannya: BAN SMOKING :yes:

For awhile I thought I wanted to increase my dosage of cigarettes...
from 2 packs to 4 packs...

OOPss... my mind leap before my eyes read the last bit..:sneaky2:

[melody]

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again.

The seamstress replied, "No"

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "YES."

The lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the same riverbank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked
her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The lord was furious. "YOU LIED! That is an untrue!

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then, if I said 'No' to him, you would have come up with my husband and had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS.

THAT'S OUR STORY, AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT

[melody]

On the very FIRST DAY of the world, God created the COW. He said to the cow:
"Ah Gu (cow), today I have created you!
Your job is to go to the field with the farmer all day long.You will provide the energy to pull things!
You will also provide milk for people to drink!
You are to work all day under the sun! In return, you will only eat grass.
For that, you will have a life span of 50 years."
Ah Gu objected.
"What.. I work all day in the sun and I get only to eat grass!
On top of that, I have to give my milk away!
This is tough and you want me to live 50 years! I'll take 20 and you can have the remaining 30 years back!" God agreed.

On the NEXT DAY, God created the DOG.
He said to the dog.
"Ah Kow (dog), I have created you for a purpose.
You are to sit all day by the door of your master's house!
Should anyone come in, you are to bark at them!
In return, you will eat your master's leftovers.
I'll give you a life span of 20 years."
Ah Kow objected.
" What! I have to sit by the door all day and will need to bark at people, and what do I get...LEFTOVERS...
This isn't right, I'll take 10 and you can have the remaining 10 years back!"
God agreed again.

On the third day, God created the MONKEY.
He said to the monkey.
"Lao Kao (monkey), your job is to entertain people.
You will make them laugh, act stupid and make faces!
You will also do somersaults and swing on trees to amaze them.
In return, you will get to eat bananas and peanuts.
For that, I'll give you 20 years to live."
Naturally the monkey objected.
"This is ridiculous, I gotta make faces and make people laugh let not even come to the part about the trees and somersaults.
Tell you what, I'll give 10 years of my life to thank you for my existence and I'll take 10.
What do you think?"
God agreed again.

On the forth day, God created HUMANS.
God said to the man.
"You are my best piece of work, for that, you will only need to sleep, eat, sleep, play, eat, sleep again and do nothing else.You will get to eat all the best things and play with the best toys. All you need to do is enjoy all your life.
For this kinda of life, I'll give you 20 years."
Just like the rest, the man objected.
"What, all I need to do is relax and enjoy myself and I have only 20 years to live?
Tell you what, you've 30 years back from Ah Gu, 10 years from Ah Kow and another 10 from Lao Kao and you probably don't know what to do with all those lives. Why not I take them all and I'll have 70 years to live?"
God being such good natured, agreed with a smile.....
AND THAT IS WHY.....
We eat, sleep, play and enjoy for the first 20 years of our lives when we are growing up.
Work like a cow for the next 30 to raise our family.
Sit outside the door and bark at people for the next 10 when we are retired.
And finally, we make faces and perform monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren for the final 10 years.
GET IT ?????

[superaunty]

A Funny Lesson

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.


"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked
"No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."


"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman
asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. "Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless Woman was astounded.
"Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."


The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and
wine."

[superaunty]

What Malaysians have

One day, there is an American, one Italian, a Malaysian and

Bangladeshi travel around on a private helicopter.

After about one hour travelling, the American take
out his cigarette ( Dunhill ) lighted it up and start smoking

after two sip, he throw the balance of the cigarette.

The others three persons surprise and ask " Why

didn't you finish-up the cigarette before throwing ? " He

reply arrogantly " there is a lot of cigarette in

my country".

Half an hour later the Italian take a bottle of branded

perfume and apply on him and the rest he throw out of the

window. The other three persons was surprised and ask

"Why did you throw away the perfume ? ". The Italian reply

also "there is alot of perfume in my country"

The Malaysian don't know what to do suddenly push that

Bangladeshi

out of the helicopter.
The other two person was shouted crazyly "Why did you push him
!!!!!!!?????? " .

The Malaysian say slowly "There is a lot of Bangladeshi in my country

Everybody keep quite and stay away from the

Malaysian.

[superaunty]

This is hilarious...:rofl :rofl :rofl even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric!
Exclusively only to great Malaysian and Singaporean Chinese....

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10. Not only did he
do it 1 to 10, he did it again back to 1.

This was what he came up with...

1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic
and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run so fast until I fall 6
and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a
9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8
and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6 . He said 5, tomorrow also
no need to come back 4 work. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't
understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 .

:hehehe: :hehehe: :hehehe:

[melody]

Terok Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the
passport size photograph of his son (for college admission).
Accidentally, the photograph drop down from his pocket.

He started searching for it frantically and found it on the floor,
below the ends of a woman's saree.

He asked her, "Can you lift your saree? I wanna take photograph"....
THE REST IS HISTORY

He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital. He was
suprised to see Butol Singh on the next bed to him in a worse
condition.

Butol explained what happened to him. He said he had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel nearby. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for a night.

The Owner replied," I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, you can't stay
here."

Then he approached the next house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for a night. The Owner replied," I have 3 grown up
daughters. Sorry u can't stay here."

He went to the next house and asked, "Do you have grown up daughters?"
The Owner asked, "Why?"
Butol replied, " I wanted to stay for a night."
THE REST IS HISTORY


The moral of the story is;
WORDS CAN GET YOU INTO DEEP TROUBLE IF YOU DON'T USE THEM CORRECTLY.

[melody]

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :rofl :rofl

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic32438.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic12321.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic00974.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic24811.jpg

[mahsusan]

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :rofl :rofl

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic32438.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic12321.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic00974.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic24811.jpg

Haha..so funny. whose test paper is this?

[mahsusan]

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby
sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny
replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie
said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your
panties. Mine say five to six ."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love
you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my
bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She
tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her

Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it
for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it
know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my
teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How
much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were
hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off
them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his
Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know
what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my
wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The
man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the
city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned,
James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for
a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular
Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned
face. "Without you, we are but Dust..." He would have continued
but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening
leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four
year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[mahsusan]

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a
family meeting.


Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the
phone.I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.


Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work
telephone


Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile


Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

[melody]

UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?

Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say
80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.

Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to
believe in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next
Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.

Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration
counter.

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr . . . . :hang: :hang: :hang:

[mahsusan]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So,honey, how was trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said

"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"


Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent!

[mahsusan]

Murid : Selamat pagi, cikgu.

Cikgu : (Menengking) Mengapa selamat pagi sahaja?
Petang dan malam awak doakan saya tak selamat?

Murid : Selamat pagi, petang dan malam cikgu!

Cikgu : Panjang sangat! Tak pernah dibuat oleh orang! Kata selamat
sejahtera! Senang dan penuh bermakna.Lagipun ucapan ini meliputi
semua masa dan keadaan.

Murid : Selamat sejahtera cikgu!

Cikgu : Sama-sama, duduk! Dengar sini baik-baik.
Hari ini cikgu nak uji kamu semua tentang perkataan berlawan. Bila
cikgu sebutkan perkataannya, kamu semua mesti menjawab dengan
cepat, lawan bagi perkataan-perkataan itu, faham?

Murid : Faham, cikgu!

Cikgu : Saya tak mahu ada apa-apa gangguan.

Murid : (senyap)

Cikgu : Pandai!

Murid : Bodoh!

Cikgu : Tinggi!

Murid : Rendah!

Cikgu : Jauh!

Murid : Dekat!

Cikgu : Keadilan!

Murid : UMNO!

Cikgu : Salah!

Murid : Betul!

Cikgu : Bodoh!

Murid : Pandai!

Cikgu : Bukan!

Murid : Ya!

Cikgu : Oh Tuhan!

Murid : Oh Hamba!

Cikgu : Dengar ini!

Murid : Dengar itu!

Cikgu : Diam!

Murid : Bising!

Cikgu : Itu bukan pertanyaan, bodoh!

Murid : Ini ialah jawapan, pandai!

Cikgu : Mati aku!

Murid : Hidup kami!

Cikgu : Rotan baru tau!

Murid : Akar lama tak tau!

Cikgu : Malas aku ajar kamu!

Murid : Rajin kami belajar cikgu!

Cikgu : Kamu gila!

Murid : Kami siuman!

Cikgu : Cukup! Cukup!

Murid : Kurang! Kurang!

Cikgu : Sudah! Sudah!

Murid : Belum! Belum!

Cikgu : Mengapa kamu semua bodoh sangat?

Murid : Sebab saya seorang pandai!

Cikgu : Oh! Melawan!

Murid : Oh! Mengalah!

Cikgu : Kurang ajar!

Murid : Cukup ajar!

Cikgu : Habis aku!

Murid : Kekal kami!

Cikgu : O.K. Pelajaran sudah habis!

Murid : K.O. Pelajaran belum bermula!

Cikgu : Sudah, bodoh!

Murid : Belum, pandai!

Cikgu : Berdiri!

Murid : Duduk!

Cikgu : Saya kata UMNO salah!

Murid : Kami dengar KeADILan betul!

Cikgu : Bangang kamu ni!

Murid : Cerdik kami tu!

Cikgu : Rosak!

Murid : Baik!

Cikgu : Kamu semua ditahan tengah hari ini!

Murid : Dilepaskan tengah malam itu!


Cikgu : (Senyap dan mengambil buku-bukunya keluar.)



"Winners Don't Do Different Things, They Do Things Differently"

[melody]

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

.................................................. .....................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

.................................................. .....................


Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

.................................................. .....................


If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

.................................................. .....................


Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.................................................. .....................


How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.................................................. .....................


Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

.................................................. .....................


One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

.................................................. .....................


Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

.................................................. .....................


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

.................................................. .....................


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.................................................. .....................


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

.................................................. .....................


Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

.................................................. .....................


"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

.................................................. .....................


There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

.................................................. .....................


"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

.................................................. .....................


"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

.................................................. .....................


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

.................................................. .....................


The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.


.................................................. .....................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

[mahsusan]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

"You got Male!'"

[mahsusan]

Who says our English is teruk.? Just see below - Ours is simple,short,concise, straight-to-point, effective etc.........

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outle ts for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY .
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians:No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're
coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time.. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a b it of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Wat happen Why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,
Malaysians: like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Malaysians:Celaka u...

See, isn't it simple,short,concise, straight-to-point, effective etc......... ?

[idolhunter]

susan: Commenting on the above... Malaysian style...

YA LAH YA LAH U WIN ...SO :dunno: :teehee:

[swan56]

An American, a Japanese, and a Chinese were sitting naked in the sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese
lifted his palm to his ear.When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Chinese felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't
know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet.
When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a
piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"
Instead being embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind. The Chinese man explained, "I'm getting a FAX."

[melody]

How to handle a nasty neighbour.....

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/neighbour.jpg

Tattoo of the year...

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/tattoo.jpg

Boy Genius...

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/boygenius.jpg

Global warming...??? :D: :D: :D:

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/globalwarming.jpg

[sarahg]

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times Newspaper. There is someone to fight the bank at last!

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account ?30 by way of penalty for
the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, unlike you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons
as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required and will be forwarded to the aforementioned employee.
8-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will be played for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client


Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman, now DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD???

[sarahg]

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an
open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze
the situation.

If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them..Put them in Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in
Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in
Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping. Put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in Information
Technology.

If they are sitting idle. Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick
has been moved. Put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day. Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window. Put them on Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are standing around talking to each other and not a single
brick has been moved.....

Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

[mahsusan]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

" Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. Each
one tried his best not to puke.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger
and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[mahsusan]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train cause we're going down the tracks."

The Mother walked into the room where her son was playing and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers
who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a
pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOURS delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[tchinyee]

y chinese not suitable to hav english name??


Anne Chang (Mandarin)- Dirty

Anne Chin (Mandarin) - Keep quiet

Faye Chen (Mandarin) - Dusty

Carl Cheng (Hokkien) - Buttock

Monica Cheng (Hokkien) - Touching your

buttocks

Lucy Leow (Hokkien) - You are dead

Jane Tan (Mandarin) - Frying eggs

Suzie Leow (Hokkien) - Lost till death

Henry Mah (Mandarin) - Hate your mum

Corrine Tai (Hokkien) - Poor fellow:teehee:

Paul Chan (Mandarin) - Bankrupt

Nelson Tan (Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs

Leslie Tong (Mandarin) - Rubbish bin

Carmen Teng (Hokkien) - Leg hair long

Connie Mah (Mandarin) - Call your mother

Danny See (Hokkien) - Squeeze you to death

Rosie Teng (Hokkien) - Screws and nails

Pete Tsai (Hokkien) - Nose droppings

Macy Koh (Cantonese) - Never die before

Michael Tan (Cantonese) - sell chicken eggs

[melody]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic12382.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic17421.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic18716.jpg

Wife of the future.....man sui :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow:
Aiyok my poor son !!!!!.....:w00t: :w00t: :lol
And good luck Daniel...:tongue0011: :lol :lol

[melody]

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.

The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

?That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened?" the man asked again.

The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Again?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.

"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset! but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.

"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
Some things you just can't explain."

[ForeverDaniel]

Life of a pathetic guy...

Malaysia semua babi,
our government is so lousy,
make the college becomes no quality,
Chinese and Indian pun tak boleh masuk university.
It never had a choice for me,
because no money cannot study at oversea,
so I always feel i'm so pity.

Every college are greedy,
sini sana all need money,
their pocket kosong our perut noisy,
I am poor because there sucks my money.

Exam question full of difficulty,
it has a reason only,
which is to earn more money,
because we retake money masuk lagi.
The staffs always no aksi,
they did wrong never say sorry,
before asking please show your money,
otherwise they wont be happy,
we pay their salary still make us angry.
that's why i wanna study hard to earn more and more money

Tiap-Tiap hari feel so lazy,
never try to wake up early,
always hope college sekarang cuti,
everyday go to class feel so sleepy,
lecturer always scold me lazy.
do assignment just like to copy,
before the final just feel worry,
every nite study until crazy,
because scared scold by mummy.

Why my class always no pretty,
those elephant always show me how she's sexy,
the monster wanna treat me nicely,
like that i better mati.

my looking is **** ugly,
saya mari girl girl lari,
everyday date them they only say busy,
semua orang tak ada hati,
make me always so lonely,
only can watch porno movie.

CS always let people bully,
maybe i am really so lousy,
althought knife people is so happy,
but i am always unlucky,
kena headshot easily,
after mati still mati.

This is just a small story,
typed it simply,
feel funny and happy,
actually i am not lonely,
because I have many friends around me.

*This mail is circulated around the net last time, just extract it*

[melody]

This is so good...u just wanna sing and laugh at the same time :whistle: :lol :thumbup:


Julie Andrews turned 69

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music".

Here are the lyrics she used:-


Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.


Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.


When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.


Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.


Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', (slightly edited for content)
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.


When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.


(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)

[TearsOfLuv]

alright i dun rily know it will be funny.. but kinda..
MR John is back from his office at 1Opm that day. Suddenly Mrs John called him. He answered the call, " Darling! I'm coming back noww! Wait for me for dinner"
Mrs John replied, " No Honey! I just heard the radio that someone is driving on the opposite side of the road. So, I am calling to call you to becareful."
Mr John Said, " Ohh YEA? There's not one car! That's thousand of it!"

Anyone get it?

[TearsOfLuv]

another onee..
There are three swimmers training in the swimming pool. One day, a swimmer found a magic lamp in the dressing room. There is a note written, " This magic lamp will give everything u wish for only one minute. After that the thing you want will be in the swimming pool."

So, the first swimmer tried, he jumped into the pool and shouted, " Winnee! winnee! Wine!" SO he enjoyed the pool of wine within one minute.

After that, the second swimmer is a banana maniac. He likes to eat banana soo much. Then, he jumped into the pool excitedly and shouted, " Banana! Banana!" He enjoyed his pool of banana.

Then, the third swimmer rub the magic lamp and take steps backward to jump. He run and when he was about to jump, he stepped on the banana skin and fell. He shouted, " Ohh! Shit! " He turned out being in the pool of shit..

[TearsOfLuv]

Alright! Another one more try..

A taxi driver was driving on the highway. Out of sudden a Mitsubishi car passed teh taxi. So he shouted, " Waa! Mitsubishi! Made In Japan So Fast LAA!"

Then, a Toyota car passed by his taxi. Again he shouted, " Toyota! Made in Japan. Soo fast!"

After a while, a Honda car pass by. He shouted again, " WAA! Honda! Made in Japan! So fasssttt arr!"

After that, he dropped his passenger down. He shouted at the fee meter, " Waa! You meter! Made in Japan soo fastt ARR!" :D: :D:

[jwong]

Alright! Another one more try..



kaka u are hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :rofl

[melody]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[Kenrick]

*Stares at the evident discrimination in the post above*

And people actually ask me why there are so few guys in the DFC. And I always thought it was only because of the pink colour everywhere.

[mahsusan]

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the
old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect
firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked
out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology
and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?"

The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold."

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure
that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked.

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the elder asked.

"The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aborigines are collecting firewood like crazy and that's always a sure sign."

[mahsusan]

http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h132/mahsusan/Slide4-1.jpg

http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h132/mahsusan/Slide13-1.jpg

[mahsusan]

Memo to All Employees:
In order to ensure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) .
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T) .
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T , you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T) . This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T) .

Thank you.
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

[cutiebee]

Memo to All Employees:
In order to ensure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) .
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T) .
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T , you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T) . This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T) .

Thank you.
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)


:tongue0011: really a good medicine... i laugh till be-tahan.... muahahhahah

[cutiebee]

http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h132/mahsusan/Slide4-1.jpg

http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h132/mahsusan/Slide13-1.jpg


susan : if press the button, what will coming out ??? :teehee:

[mahsusan]

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure! What are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------->>

Wife : You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby : Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?"

>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------->>

Stress Reliever Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries
or troubles.
Girl : "Well that's because we aren't married yet.

>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------->>
Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give
up my seat to a lady."
Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

<<----------------------------------------->>

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------->>

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

>>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------->>

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours for ever.

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

>>>>-------------------------------------------------------------------->>

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

[melody]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/mood2.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/mood3.jpg

[melody]

After a month-long holiday in the US, my wife and I finally boarded the
plane in San Francisco last Sunday heading home.

As the plane reached cruising speed with the seat belt sign switched
off, a 6 ft 3" black man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up
from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled, "HIJACK!".

Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen.

And two stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when
another voice answered from the back of the plane: "HI JOHN !".

The moral of the story is:
If you have a friend named Jack, for heaven's sake don't ever call him
in the plane. :lol :lol :lol

[melody]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/image15.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/image14.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/image13.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/image12.jpg

[melody]

Copy and paste...some management tips..........

At a training program for top management.

A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd's attention, said,

"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman
who wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying,

"That woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which
was well received.

About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training
decided to use that joke at his house.

He tried to rehearse the joke in his head.

It was a bit foggy to him.

He said loudly,

"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman
who was not my wife!"

Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the
second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out

"... and I can't remember who she was!"

As expected, he got thrashing of his lifetime?


Moral of the story:
Do not copy if you cannot paste..!!!..

[melody]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic11762.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic31525.jpg

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/image2.jpg

[melody]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic02383.jpg

[sarahg]

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."

[melody]

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d25/wendychan288/pic10652.jpg

[cuddlykitten]

This is what happens to people who gets too attached to their pets!:sweat:

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c41/cuddlykitten_77/pw/ATT118917.jpg

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c41/cuddlykitten_77/pw/ATT118918.jpg

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c41/cuddlykitten_77/pw/ATT118919.jpg

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c41/cuddlykitten_77/pw/ATT118920.jpg

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c41/cuddlykitten_77/pw/ATT118921.jpg

http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c41/cuddlykitten_77/pw/ATT118922.jpg

They tend to follow their pets' appearances!!!! :teehee:

[melody]

This is the pre-take off announcement that was heard on a recent flight from Shenzhen to Qingtao by China Southern Airlines:


"Good afternoon, Ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang Lui speaking. On behalf of China Sudden Airlines, I would like to welcome you on board our Bowling 737 from Shenzhen to Qingtao. Members of my crew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not know. It is a great pressure serving you to-die. Should you need any resistance during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and my gals are available to make you feel comfortable. Meanwhile, the airkwaft is going to fry. Peace sit upright and keep you belt tightly fastened until dinner is served at five dirty p.m. Hope you would enjoy your fright with us. Funk kill."

[mahsusan]

http://ak.imgfarm.com//images/today/creators/mom/mom0910g.gif

[mahsusan]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely
stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her
body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman, without any say
about it...

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then
drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry,
vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitche n floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on
the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did
the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get
through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

Lord,I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

[melody]

This is a true story of a young college girl who passed away last month,
at Shah Alam. Her name was Priya; she was hit by a lorry.

I don't want to mention the name of the college. She had a boyfriend
names Shankar. He lives in Johore. Both of them are true lovers. They
are always on the phone with each other. You can never see her without
her handphone.

She spends most of the day talking with Shankar. Priya's family knows about
their relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya's family (just
imagine their love). Before she passed away she always told her friends
"If I pass away please burn me with my handphone". She also said the
same thing to her parents.

After her death, people couldn't carry her coffin. I was there ~ a lot
of them tried to do so but still couldn't , everybody including me, had
tried to carry the coffin, the result was still the same.

Eventually, they called their neighbour, a "bomoh" from Thailand (pak
Darin), who is a friend of her father's. He took a seat and started
speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl
misses something here". Then her friends told Darin bout her intentions
to burn her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and place her
phone, together with the SIM card inside the casket. After that they
tried to carry the coffin. It could now be moved and they carried it
into the van easily. All of us were shocked. (can you feel the fear? I'm
shaking at this moment.)

Priya's parents didn't inform Shankar that Priya had passed away (pity
Shankar). After 2 weeks Shankar called Priya's mom.

Shankar: "Atte, I'm coming home today. Please cook something nice for
me. Don't tell Priya that I'm coming home today; I want to surprise her."

Her mother replied, "You come home first, I want to tell you something
very important."

After he arrived at Shah Alam, they told him the truth about Priya.

Shankar thought that they were fooling around. He was laughing and said,
"Don't try to fool me ... tell Priya to come out ... I have a gift for
her. Please stop this nonsense."

Then they show him the Priya's death certificate; they gave him proof to
make him believe.

Shankar started to sweat profusely. He said, "It's not true. We spoke
yesterday. She still calls me."

Shankar was shaking so badly when suddenly, his phone rang.

"See this is from Priya. See this ...." he showed the phone to Priya's
family. All of them told him to answer. He used the loudspeaker mode.
All of them heard this conversation, loud and clear. No cross lines, no
humming. It was Priya's voice! And there was no way others could use her
SIM card as it was nailed inside the coffin! They were so shocked and
asked for pak Darin's help.

Pak Darin brought his master (Tok Chen) to solve this matter. He and pak
Darin worked for 5 hours ... then they discovered one thing .....







*DiGi. Best coverage ever, ONE LOW FLAT RATE~!!!!!!! Anyone, any
network, anytime, ANYWHERE!!!

[melody]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She *asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," *he replied.

Intrigued, *she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone"

[melody]

1508
Alfonso De Albuquerque meyampaikan hasratnya kepada raja portugis untuk meluaskan pengaruhnya ke asia tenggara (Melaka pusat perdagangan Asia Tenggara ketika itu) dan juga laluan penting perdagangan timur barat.
Raja Portugis bersetuju untuk menyediakan kemudahan bala tentera (158 buah kapal dan 15300 anggaran bala tentera).

1509
Portugis menghantar perisik ke Melaka untuk megetahui keadaan dan kekuatan pertahanan disana.

Oct 1511
Alfonso berjaya menawan Melaka setelah berhempas pulas melawan 5 pahlawan Melayu terhandal (hang tuah, hang lekir, hang lekiu, hang jebat dan hang kasturi) ini adalah mimpi ngeri bagi pihak Alfonso, untuk menawan Melaka serta berlawan dengan 5 Hang bersaudara, mereka perlu mendapat askar tambahan setelah 15,000 askarnya terkorban dalam pertempuran selama 6 hari itu dengan 5 Hang bersaudara.. akhirnya dapat juga menawan Melaka setelah hampir kecewa dan putus asa...

1513
Setahun 12 bulan kemudian Alfonso ingin meluaskan kekuasaannya ke Kedah, Perlis dan P.Pinang, yang ketika itu adalah pusat pegeluaran tebu untuk gula rantau ini...

Feb 1514
Alfonso menghantar perisik ke Kedah dan Pulau Pinang untuk mengetahui kekuatan bala tentera di sana (Kedah dan P.Pinang) mengikut sejarah, perisiknya telah ke kedai kopi sekitar Kedah dan Pulau Pinang untuk mendapat segala maklumat yang diperlukan.

Seminggu selepas Feb 1515
Perisik balik ke Melaka untuk memberitakan hasil risikan kepada Alfonso.
Dibawah adalah perbualan percakapan antara perisik dengan Alfonso yang selama ini cuba disembunyikan dalam buku sejarah.

Perisik 1.2.3. : selamat pagi tuan (sambil bertabik)
alfonso : selamat pagi
Perisik 1 : Begini lah tuan, lupakan saja niat tuan untuk menawan Kedah dan Pulau Pinang

alfonso : Kenapa kuat sangat kah mereka itu..? (dengan nada marah)

Perisik 2 : Untuk menawan Melaka yang mempunyai 5 pahlawan terhandal hang tuah, hang jebat, hang kasturi, hang lekir dan hang lekiu pun kita kehilangan hampir 15,000 bala tentera, inikan pula kita nak menawan Kedah, Perlis dan P.Pinang yang mempunyai beribu ribu hang..

Perisik 3 : Betoi tu tuan...antaranya tuan . . hang sapa, hang sihat, hang buat apa, hang apa habaq, hang lagu mana, hang pi mana, hang nak apa,hang singgah dulu, hang gila, hang mandi dulu, hang bau busuk, hang tau ka, hang celaka,hang bodoh, bapak hang, mak hang, adik hang, tok hang macam-macam lagi hang ada, hotak hang, tok nek hang, pun ada kat sana ........
Mendengar hasil risikan itu Alfonso pun tak jadi nak pi serang Kedah.

[melody]

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

[melody]

Wives are wives -

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered
that her handphone battery is flat, She instructed her son to use his
own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on
site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that
there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried
reaching dad on the mobile.

Woman???!!!!!!!:mad0260: :gaah: :whack:

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon
seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap,
and she slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause
of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what
the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said "StarHub is not getting a respond from the subscriber's
mobile phone. Please Try Again Later"...


Erm...FYI...StarHub is Singapore mobile services provider:teehee: :sweat:

[melody]

Title: Young and pretty lady wishes to marry a rich guy. Fantastic reply from a financial person

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) *Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2)* Which age group should I target?
3)* Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4)* How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty


Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of beauty and money?: Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a 'trading position'. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term, same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or 'leased'. Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in 'leasing' services, do contact me signed, J.P. Morgan

[idolhunter]

Title: Young and pretty lady wishes to marry a rich guy. Fantastic reply from a financial person

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) *Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2)* Which age group should I target?
3)* Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4)* How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty


Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of beauty and money?: Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a 'trading position'. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term, same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or 'leased'. Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in 'leasing' services, do contact me signed, J.P. Morgan

Melody stocks - down 3 cents... quick sell !!! :lol:lol:lol

[melody]

Melody stocks - down 3 cents... quick sell !!! :lol:lol:lol




Bluechip stocks +/-10% is still a desirable stock amongst fun(d) managers. Highly recommended BUY ON LONG TERM HOLD in anticipation of the issuance of warrants, (in laymen terms - beranak :party ), bonus and dividend payments. :eyebrow

[rick]

3 heads of states met and chatted about their next space mission:

US prez boasted "In 2008 we are going to Jupiter and do scientific atmospheric experiments ..."

Russian prez declared "In 2008 we are going to Mars and do scientific soil experiments ..."

M'sian PM blared "In 2008 we are going to the sun and do scientific gas experience ..."

US and Russian prez were astonished and asked "Won't it be too hot there?"

M'sian PM replied as a matter of fact "Oh it's OK - we'll land in the evening and do our experiments at night"

Mel, it was nice to have met up over lunch at 1U that day with you and bev :thumbup1

[ForeverDaniel]

My dad says he created this joke..
DUno how true he is~

What is American spaceman called?
>
>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>
Astronaut

What is Russian spaceman called?
>
>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>
Cosmonaut

What is China's spaceman called?
>
>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>
Tai-Kor-Nout

AND WHAT IS MALAYSIAN SPACE MAN CALLED???
>
>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>
>
>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>
CAN-OR-NOUT
(CAN-A-NOT)

Haha~ Malaysia Can anot leh??? Not too sure..~

[Darrell]

hahaha............so funny lar the writer........wan to translate into english ................

[hsienhui86]

Hihi Aunty Melody..i got a joke from my pastor at church today, just to share it here..:pompom:

__________________________________________________ ______________

A couple was celebrating their 60 years aniversary. The husband was trying to think of something to say to his wife of 60 years. He wanted it to be special, and didn't want to just say the usual "I LOVE YOU" or "YOU ARE GETTING MORE BEAUTIFUL DAY BY DAY" ...:scratchead: :scratchead:

After much pondering, he came up with a very meaningful sentence and said to his wife, "YOU ARE TRIED, AND YOU ARE TRUE" :coffee: :coffee:

Expecting his wife to be very touched, he eagerly awaited her reply. :confused1:

Instead, the wife looked at her husband, with a blur look, and said "HAR?? WHAT DID YOU SAY?? I COULDN"T HEAR YOU LA.." :mad0218: :mad0218:

Man hate to repeat themselves, especially when they have to repeat mushy sentences like that. But this man had no choice, it was their 60 years wedding aniversary. So he gave it another try..LOUDER this time...

"MY DEAR, I SAID YOU ARE TRIED, AND YOU ARE TRUE!!"

And guess what his wife replied when she heard it... :whosthere: :whosthere:

"MY DEAR, I'M TIRED OF YOU TOO!!!":hi5: :hi5: :hi5:

[melody]

Mel, it was nice to have met up over lunch at 1U that day with you and bev :thumbup1

Rick, YESSS...at long last!! Bev was teasing the journey home was longer than our lunch. Thank God the Digi man didn't follow :bow: :D:

[rick]

Rick, YESSS...at long last!! Bev was teasing the journey home was longer than our lunch. Thank God the Digi man didn't follow :bow: :D:

We'll have some longer time together at 2nd DFC anniversay ok bev?

[rick]

The world's funniest joke goes something like this ...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

:) Best regards - Rick

[melody]

We'll have some longer time together at 2nd DFC anniversay ok bev?

Uncle Rick...:sad
Bev will be away on a holiday camp commencing same day, hopefully can meet up again soon

[sarahg]

> MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS...
>
> 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
> bright until you hear them speak.
>
> 2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
>
> 3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
>
> 4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
>
> 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
>
> 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
>
> 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
>
> 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
> something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
>
> 9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
> end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
>
> 10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
>
> 11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by
> those who got there first.
>
> 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
> and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
>
> 13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
>
> 14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
>
> 15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
> twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.